Fiction: My mail order time machine, first part

My mail order time machine

First 

My mail order time machine arrived. Went to the past and it was all reruns. Went to the future and didn't like the robot overlord. So I guess you all are stuck with me in the present. 

An ad in one of those free distribution papers caught my eye the other day. The ad was by a company advertising a time machine to “right the wrongs of the past for a better future”. I would perhaps boldly claim that I am not always one to fall for stupid scams. Usually, they need to be at least a little bit clever to get me, but I somehow just felt like I needed to have this machine. I really cannot tell why that feeling was so strong. Thinking back to that day, I don’t think I expected the machine to work – though I think I did have some kind of irrational hope that it would – but it promised an exhilarating audio-visual experience I wouldn’t want to miss. I must somewhat reluctantly admit that if there was such a thing as a list of things I never want to miss, things I wouldn’t want to miss would almost certainly be on it. The other thing they promised was guaranteed satisfaction, or my money back if for any reason I am not happy with my purchase. Price was certainly steep, but I figured it would be worth it if my satisfaction was indeed guaranteed. And in case it did not work out as promised, which I did consider the more likely possibility, I’d just get my money back. The way I saw it, I could not lose, and so I went ahead and cut out the little coupon, filled in my details, ran off to drop it in the mailbox and started waiting. It did occur to me that if they really had a working time machine, they should go back in time when they receive my coupon so that they can send my machine to arrive as soon as I had sent in my coupon. That would have been legitimately cool. But that did not happen. Maybe there is a problem with post and my coupon never arrives. Or maybe they just do not have the ability for the level of creative thinking needed. So, I waited. It was odd to not have the instant confirmation that my order has been received, though. It was a bit odd to have a coupon to cut out, fill and mail, to be honest. But this is how ordering things by post used to work before everything was online on the internet. There also were no updates on the processing of the order, when it would be shipping, or any tracking information. I just did not know if the machine was ever going to arrive. How refreshing that felt. After a few days I stopped thinking about it. It took a while, and then a bit longer, but finally my mail order time machine arrived. Just before I forgot I had ordered it. One could say it was an expected surprise. I was admittedly somewhat excited to open the package and unwrap the device. Afterwards I did think I should have done an unboxing video, but then I thought I’ll just go back in time later to create one. In the box with the device was a folded A4 sheet. I unfolded it, prepared for complicated instructions. “PRESS button to turn ON. Then follow instructions.” That’s what the sheet said and that is all that it said. With a picture of a kitten playing with a ball below the text. Because kittens follow instructions? I couldn’t figure it out. On the bottom of the sheet there was the name and address of the company that had sold the machine to me. I turned the paper over, but the other side was empty, apart from circular coffee stain. I cleaned away the packaging materials and placed the machine on my dining table. I looked at it. It was a black, square box, roughly 5 centimetres high and 15 centimetres wide and deep. There were no visible ports or connectors, which was just as well since it came with no cables. The top of the machine was just slightly rounded so that the middle part was a bit higher than the sides and, in the middle of that, there was a round button-like indentation. I shrugged my shoulders. “Ok, whatever, here we go,” I said to myself and pressed the button. My head was at once filled with a singular question: which time do you want to travel to? Without giving it much thought I thought the eighties, which I feel very nostalgic about. I felt the urge to be more precise and came up with a date of May 5, 1982, at 1pm sharp. I added our home address at the time as a physical location. And everything around me got a bit blurry, and I felt being pulled into different directions, there was a blinding flash of light and a sudden jolt with an audible bang and then it all stopped. I tried to look around, blinking, but it took a moment before my eyers recovered. When they did, I could see I was standing in front of our old home. I looked around, somewhat astonished. I tried to take a step but stumbled on a tricycle and fell over catching myself with my hands. I got back up on my feet and walked over to the front door. I tried the door, but it wouldn't open. Next to the door the wall had a small ledge, on which was a black plastic carburettor cover. Our spare key was hidden under it. I took the key, unlocked the door and put they back in its hiding place. Ok, this is kind of cool, I thought, and stepped in. There was a little ante room, and I pulled the front door closed behind me and opened the door to the entrance room where the shoes and coats were kept and from where doors led to the kitchen ahead, and to the living room on the left. There was also a door to a small WC. It was like going back in time, I thought to myself as I stopped and took a good look around. And that is exactly what it was. I had gone back in time. I had still had some doubts before I opened the door, but now standing in my old childhood home I could not explain it any other way. It was just like I remembered, from before when the kitchen was renovated. There was the wooden stove we were then still mostly using for cooking and baking, even if there was a small electric stove as well. The old radio was there on the counter, I turned it on and was greeted by era-appropriate music. I turned it off again. I peeked into the living room, the black and white tv was there on the left next to the spiral staircase. The old beige leather sofa set was still there too and the bookcase with all the pictures, the encyclopaedia and other assorted books and knickknacks. I turned on the tv. One channel was showing some school tv programming, and the other channel displayed the tuning picture. And that was all there was. I turned the TV off and checked out the newspaper. Reading the news was like traveling back in time. Which I had just done, I had to remind myself. It was all so familiar, yet at the same time not and I realized that back then I wasn’t actively following news and current events – I was after all just shy of nine years old – but I had been on some level aware of these things I was now reading about in the paper. I looked out the window and suddenly saw a car going past coming into the yard. It was the whole family, returning from somewhere. I must leave, I thought. I looked around, as if searching for a way out. Then I thought, how do I leave? How do I get back to my own time? I want to get back to my own time, I thought. And then everything got blurry again, and after a quick flash during which I this time closed my eyes to not be blinded again, I was standing back in my own apartment in the current time. Ok, so that’s how it works, I thought to myself. Visiting the past was certainly something I could enjoy doing a bit more, though I felt that I would have to do a bit more research and more planning for any future trips. I had probably been just plain lucky to not get caught up in a weird meeting with my younger self. Or anyone who might find it concerning to see a strange man roaming about the property or in the house. At least I did not have any memories of meeting someone like me in our house when I was a kid, so I guess that won’t happen. What about the future then, I thought. And I pressed the button on top of the machine again. May 5, 2056, please, location in front of Amsterdam Central station. A moment later I was standing in front of the central station. It still looked like a construction site, very much the same as it had looked like the last five years in my time. I briefly wondered if the current project had broken all records for delays, but probably they were working on something new. In any case, the barriers that had been setup to prevent tourists and others not in full control of their faculties from walking into the machinery, trams, traffic and into the water, had conveniently shielded me from anyone’s view as I imagined I had pretty much appeared out of thin air. Not that there were so many people around, I noticed suddenly, as I was looking around. It was also somewhat quiet with the trams and busses. The few people whom I could see were walking very quickly and keeping their eyes down. I was about to try to approach one of them, when suddenly I heard a robotic voice. “Hey, you there! Human!” I looked around and saw a metallic looking figure approaching one of the people walking over the open area in front of the station. The person, who looked like a man from a distance, stopped and turned in the direction of the figure that in all appearances seemed to be a robotic, artificial entity, but kept their face pointed downwards. “What is your business here?” the robot asked, and the man said something too quietly for me to hear. The robot was quiet for a moment, looking slightly upward as if it were listening to something, and then waved its hand. “Very well, proceed. Bleep-Bloop.” The man hurried on his way and the robot proceeded to cross the station square. “The Overlord appreciation day is coming!” came suddenly a booming voice from everywhere and I saw the whole side of the station had turned into a screen. It was showing a gigantic robotic figure with human-like but clearly artificial face that was smiling in a very menacing, inhuman way. The sight sent chills down my spine. “Are you prepared to show your appreciation to your Overlord?” the voice continued. The imagery showed people bowing as low as they can in front of the army of robots, with the giant robotic figure looming over. Then it showed the giant robot picking up a human baby and pretending to kiss it. The baby seemed terrified. If this is the future, I think I’d rather not get there, I thought to myself. I want to go home. After a quick flash and a moment of disorientation I was home. I looked at the time machine. It worked, and while the quick jump to the past had been enjoyable enough, the visit to the future had somehow put me off the idea of enjoying traveling through time. I could of course say that I'm not satisfied, return it and get my money back. On the other hand, when did I pay for it? All I did was fill in the coupon and send it over. I realised that I actually had not paid anything to anyone, and there was no invoice or any instructions for payment in the box either – I checked everything again very carefully – so I wasn’t quite sure how I’d pay either. Well, I don’t mind, I thought. If they want their money, they know where I am. They might not know when I am though, I thought to myself jokingly. I took the machine and put it back into the box and shoved the box into my hallway closet for now. I was thinking I should probably just put it out on the street on the next garbage collection day. But maybe I’d try it out another time. In any case I can always throw it out later. However, that was enough for today, I thought, and started thinking about dinner. Quick look through the fridge revealed I would have to head out to get some groceries if I wanted to eat anything other than plain bread tonight. So off I went for a little shopping expedition to the nearest little supermarket around the corner from my building. A little bit later, I was sitting on my couch in front of the television while gobbling down a microwave lasagna with a nice cold beer and watching some exciting tv series that I had obtained completely and 100% legally for my viewing pleasure. Later that night I posted an update on my social media profile. “My mail order time machine arrived. Went to the past and it was all reruns. Went to the future and didn't like the robot overlord. So I guess you all are stuck with me in the present.” Sitting back, I waited, hoped, for the likes to pour in. It took a while, but eventually they started piling up. I’m popular, I thought and the thought satisfied me. There were a couple of comments asking what’s up and if I was feeling ok, but I ignored those for now.